Somewhere between the night sweats and the brain fog, something else shifts, and almost no one warns you about it. For some women, perimenopause arrives with a libido that has, in their own words, dropped off a cliff. For others, it has the opposite effect. A new appetite…an unexpected reawakening.
Both are real. Both are common. And both deserve more honest conversation than they currently get.
To write this, we sat down with Laura Lee, an acclaimed Melbourne-based psychologist and sexologist who specialises in desire, intimacy, and women’s sexual wellbeing.
Menopause itself has a deceptively simple definition: twelve months without a period. Everything before that, the years of fluctuating hormones and shifting cycles, is perimenopause.
The Australian average age of menopause is 51, and perimenopause typically lasts seven to ten years before that. For some women, it’s longer. Estrogen can start fluctuating as early as the mid-30s, which is why so many women feel dismissed when they raise symptoms with their GP at 38 or 42.
Common symptoms include period changes, hot flushes, broken sleep, fatigue, joint pain, dry eyes, weight redistribution, mood swings, and yes, changes to sex drive.
Laura Lee shared, “Perimenopause is still really poorly understood. I notice when I talk to my friends about it, they can’t even define what menopause is, even though they’re my age group.”
Search “perimenopause and sex drive” and nearly every result assumes one direction: down. Lost libido. Vanished desire. The end of something. For many women, that is the lived experience. But it’s not the only one.
Plenty of women in perimenopause report a marked increase in desire, curiosity, and willingness to take up space in their own erotic lives. Laura connects this to a shift she describes bluntly. Estrogen, colloquially called the nurturing hormone, drops in perimenopause, and with it goes the pull to please everyone else constantly.
“Less giving a f**,”* she says. “Less concerned with pleasing others. Lower tolerance. Less interest in meeting the needs of others and prioritising others.”
Laura Lee
In the right context, a supportive partner, more autonomy, fewer caregiving demands, that shift can crack open a far more honest sex life than the one that came before. In a less supportive context, it can also expose what isn’t working. Both are perimenopause doing its job.
Because desire isn’t a single dial. It’s the sum of dozens of inputs, hormonal, relational, psychological, and environmental. Laura calls it “a really complex set of factors that influence how much I might lean towards wanting sex or away from sex.”
Estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone all decline through perimenopause, and the same hormonal turbulence behind hot flushes can blunt arousal and slow natural lubrication.
Vaginal tissue thins, sleep gets interrupted, and energy drops, all of which means touch that was once welcome can suddenly feel irritating rather than inviting.
Many perimenopausal women are caring for ageing parents, supporting teenage kids, and navigating career peaks all at once, which leaves precious little bandwidth for desire. As Laura puts it: “It’s pretty hard to feel desire for a man who you’re looking at as your third child.”
If a partnership has quietly grown distant, perimenopause tends to amplify what was already there rather than create something new. The hormones don’t cause the disconnect, they just make it harder to ignore.
A changing body can be hard to inhabit, and when you don’t feel at home in your own skin, being seen, touched, or sexual can feel exposing rather than enlivening.
When women come to Laura asking for a gummy to fix their libido, her response is the reframe at the heart of her practice: “You don’t have a desire problem. Your body is responding to the context of your life in a totally normal, reasonable, human way.”
Research published in Psychology Today shows that desire isn’t simply a hormone dial, but it’s shaped by relationship context, body image, stress load, and whether a woman feels genuinely seen.
We asked her: when a woman in her late 40s sits across from you and says her desire has disappeared, what’s the first thing you tell her?
“I tell her that her body is responding completely reasonably to the context of her life. You don’t have a libido problem. Look at everything you’re holding. Caregiving, work, a body that’s changing, maybe a relationship that’s been on autopilot for years. If I had that context, I don’t reckon I’d easily fancy sex either. We’re not here to fix you. We’re here to build a context where desire has somewhere to land.” – Laura Lee, Sexologist & Psychologist
That reframe, from “what’s wrong with me?” to “what’s the context I’m trying to feel desire inside of?“, is the single most important shift this article can offer.
A few things Laura returns to with clients.
Read the books. Listen to the podcasts. Laura recommends Em Rusciano’s Rage Against the Vagine series for Australian audiences, and the work of Dr. Jen Gunter and Dr. Kelly Casperson internationally. Share what you’re learning so your partner understands what’s actually going on.
Stay erotically connected day to day, even when full sex isn’t on the cards. A flirty text. A two-minute pash. Desire is easier to access when you keep it on a simmer rather than try to ignite it from cold.
Lubricants, moisturisers, and (with a doctor) topical estrogen all help. But Laura notes that “most women don’t report penetration as their most preferred sex activity.” A changing body is an invitation to discover what feels good now.
If you don’t fancy the partner across from you, no amount of lube will fix that. Pleasure is downstream of connection, equity, and feeling genuinely seen.
Sounds small, but it isn’t. Many women fake orgasms because they don’t know how to gracefully end an encounter that isn’t working anymore. Laura helps women build simple scripts. “This has been lovely. I’m ready to stop now.”
One of the most useful things Laura does with clients is challenge the very definition of sex they’ve been working with.
Most of us inherited a remarkably narrow script. Sex is penetrative. Sex ends when one specific person finishes. Anything else is a warm-up. That script wasn’t built for women’s bodies in the best of times, and it definitely wasn’t built for perimenopause.
“People have a pretty narrow idea of what sex even means,” she says. “Most of us grew up with a really heteronormative view of sex, which is that sex is a penis goes in a vagina, sex is over when the penis owner ejaculates.”
Sex can mean reading erotica aloud, listening to audio erotica together, reminiscing about something you’ve done, sending sexy texts, long kissing with no agenda, mutual masturbation, sensual massage, or simply being present while your partner is sexual. Penetration is one item, not the whole menu.
“My partner and I engage sexually every single day,” Laura says, “and I want to every single day. Our definition of sex is so broad that we can always find something to say yes to.”
But there’s another possibility: sometimes expanding your menu means bringing someone new into it.
Some women in perimenopause discover they want to:
For a perimenopausal woman whose body is changing and whose desires might be shifting or deepening, that same principle applies. A bigger menu isn’t just about what you do with your long-term partner. It can mean exploring what feels good to you, with someone chosen specifically for that exploration.
Maybe that’s a companion.
A companion experience is intentional intimacy designed entirely around you. It’s not dating. It’s not transactional sex. It’s a curated encounter with someone chosen for his emotional maturity, attunement, and ability to be fully present while you discover what feels good.
What that looks like depends on what you want. Some book a companion for a dinner date that becomes intimate. Others book specifically for a few hours of focused physical intimacy with someone who’s trained to read her body, respect her pace, and create a nervous-system-safe experience.
That’s where companions come in. For women in perimenopause who want to explore without the weight of a relationship, who want to be desired, unhurried, and fully attended to, intentional companionship offers something different. No expectations. No agenda. Just space to discover what feels good.
In perimenopause, when your body is changing and your desires might be unfamiliar even to you, that intentionality and safety become everything. You’re not navigating uncertainty with a stranger. You’re working with Anna – who listens, matches you carefully, and supports you through the whole process – and trained companions chosen for their interpersonal qualities.
A companion experience gives you the freedom to ask for exactly what you want. To change your mind. To go slower. To take up space. To be seen and desired and unhurried.
Ready to see who’s here? Browse our companions or explore the experiences.
Perimenopause changes your sex drive. It doesn’t end your sex life. For some women, it brings loss. For others, it brings liberation. For most, it brings both.
If you’re experiencing significant distress, painful sex, persistent low mood, or relationship strain, please don’t white-knuckle it. The support exists. A GP with menopause training, a pelvic health physio, the Australasian Menopause Society, these are all legitimate paths.
But if you want something more. If you want both the therapeutic insight and the embodied experience of being seen and desired, there’s another option.
The Reawakening pairs a confidential session with Laura (one-on-one support tailored to perimenopause) with a companion experience. It’s designed for exactly this moment in your life: when your body is changing, your desires might feel new, and you want professional guidance alongside intentional intimacy.
If this resonates, Anna offers confidential calls to discuss what The Reawakening could look like for you, or to explore companion experiences that match where you’re at right now.
About the expert: Laura Lee is a Melbourne-based psychologist and sexologist with a master’s in sexual and reproductive health and psychosexual therapy. She is the director of Blue Space Psychology, a board-approved supervisor, and a verified provider with AusPATH. Her clinical and research work focuses on sexual desire, communication, and women’s sexual wellbeing.
This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical or psychological advice. If you are experiencing distressing symptoms, please consult a qualified healthcare provider.
